{ Wednesday, January 19, 2005
i'm sorry for the shit i'm causing u to go through now.i understand that ur emotions are all chaotic and muddled and u're feeling very confused right now.u might think that that's the way i feel right now.but no.in fact i'm pretty much clear about what i want right now.i've thought long and much,and i told myself i have to make a decision.and it doesn't help that it doesn't feel right flirting (u know what i mean by flirting) with u.i call them dear,hun,darling,love,sweets all sorts.do u see me calling you that?somehow i don't think so.it doesn't come naturally at all.to tell u the truth,u put me off by ur seriousness.and the way it's not returned as well.and there's all the teasing like,i dunno.u may call it sweet nothings i guess.emotionally,for me,this gives me like,a sense of security?i dunno how else to put it so yeah.like the feeling that these people are always there for me,to comfort me and brighten up my day.and i try my best to do vice versa.but u.u stay out of my life almost completely,push me off sometimes,then spring this surprise at me.some girls might feel flattered,but,as u said guys are fickle minded,so are girls.i do have my numerous eye candies and such.and hey.they are nice guys too.it's like decisions decisions decisions.but after shawn last yr i told myself,next year(2005) i'm gonna study real good.not get involved with anyone unless its for real and the feeling's mutual.then when jc comes,then i'll see what it's like.
andden there's the do u think we click.firstly,even tho our age gap isn't wide,we do live in totally diff environments,and the thinking is just different.u're in jc surrounded by girls!and u tell me oh she's chio.or that girl's after u.chiobu too.i feel like telling u "then go jio la what's your prob!she's chio she's after u isn't that a good catch!stop bothering me then!".i'm a possesive person by nature la.there isn't much use in telling me that hey u're interested in me,but hey there're other good catches out there that u're debating with urself over.it just doesn't work that way. u party/go out late,i go home after school to study and live on a curfew. u think far ahead i think about now. and if i'm not wrong u like 'traditional' i like exciting.honesty bit we talked bout it alrdy.the way i see it ur imagination has become reality for u.
u're imagining a totally different person with different traits and character.i am not who u think i am.u barely know me even skin deep.if i were to ask u,what is my fav colour.do u think u can ans?i know nothing about u either.thinking back,i was wrong when i said i loved u.i like u.sometimes i am too casual with the word love.for me,love is like accepting a person for who they are after u know who they are,not imagine.u won't expect them to change a great deal for u.who u think i am,being the guai mommy's gal,is only half of who i am.
i change very easily under influence as well.i'm not by nature a loud person,even if i may be very direct.but over the hols,going for trng and just mixing with the grp of extremly noisy people,i became noisy too.all in the span of 1mnth?i never did know that about myself till now.then now sch's started,i don't see them so much,i start to quieten down.so the person u knew last april,may not be who i am now as well.even i don't know whether i'm the same.what more u.sunny disposition and all,facade.i don't like showing that i'm sad,or angry or whatever.i don't like my problems to get the better of me.and maybe that's why i can't open up.i don't know.this is probably as honest and expressive as i'm gonna get.and it's easier typing than talking face to face as well.i'm trying to learn how to talk to u the way i do with others,but it somehow is different.if u get what i mean.everytime i talk to u,it's about us.when i talk to other people,we gossip,we tell stories,we bitch.it's a totally different story.dunno if u can use it as a tip or anything,but yeah.it's a way to start of.maybe with amanda or smthng.
like i said.i'll never feel like i can live up to ur expectations.and if i have an inferiority complex,itll never work my dear.first things first u gotta be on the same level as me.and u work ur way up through i dunno.daily conversation?ever heard of the term friends first?the connection has to be there i guess.bombshells,like i said before,don't work.maybe when i was younger i'd feel flattered,but not now.this'll go on and on in circles and circles.i dunno if u'll get the point of this but in things like relationship,no matter what people say,about hurt and all,experience does matter.u can't expect me to guide u along because i wanna like a person for what he is and does,not what i tell him to do.to each guy his own.
if all this makes sense.good for me.if it doesn't.i think i'm rambling.there's too much on my mind.not all about u.there's the bitch issue with u know who.i can't stand people who smile in my face and bitch about me behind my back.i do my best to be nice.no more smile.more bitching behind my back.even directly to the people i know and trust.tho they're sensitive enough not to tell me.i've never been disliked so greatly before.actually,not even disliked.people always liked me or at least accepted me with no contempt.don't people have a reason for disliking others?i just dunno wad i did la.and i shouldn't be telling u this.it's like totally off.sorry it's something that haunts me day and night.i can't stop wondering.and i can't shrug it off.
i'm sorry.
actually no i'm not sorry.
i just don't want to hurt u
but it seems inevitable if i'm gonna tell u the truth.
val.
`SAYYOULOVEME.;
10:28 PM
